If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
