Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We left the knife in your bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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