How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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