once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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