There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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