On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
