He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
