Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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