He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
