I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
