She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
