Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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