Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
