I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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