just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
