She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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