is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well I just put wine in my tea
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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