But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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