The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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