just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
