I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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