Yo dont text me then not text me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
