I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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