he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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