Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
