i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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