this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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