sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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