she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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