This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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