Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
