apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
