life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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