Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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