Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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