pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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