Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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