Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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