Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
