Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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