if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
