when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
