Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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