You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
