Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
