My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
