pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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