we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
