I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
not ubering you a puppy
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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