There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
