I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
