So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
