cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
