I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
