I got chris browned last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
