Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
