I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
