there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
