I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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